I wish I believed in something

on belief systems, feeling lost, and needing something bigger than myself

I’ve never been a religious person. Everyone in my family is a Christian, but they're not super religious either. My dad used to take us to church every Sunday. I hated it. I was always tired and bored. The whole thing never made sense to me. I didn’t understand why it was such a big deal that we went. We never participated in any religious holidays other than Christmas and Easter, and even then, it was about gifts and egg hunts. Eventually, we stopped going. I remember when I first admitted that I didn’t believe in God. It was a scary thing for me to say. Not Because my family would be upset, but because it meant I had nothing to lean on. People are religious because they need something to believe in. When times get tough, they feel comfort knowing that someone is watching over them and their story is already written. I’ve never felt that comfort. I never and still don’t, understand it. I really wish I could be a religious person because things would be easier. I get a rejection letter; it’s all his plan. A car almost hits me but moves at the last second, he’s watching over me. Unfortunately, I just can’t get myself to believe in it. For a long time, I was offended by the word atheist. I never wanted to call myself that. It felt like a big scarlet A hanging over me. Now, I don’t care so much what people think. I feel like everyone is more open-minded than they used to be.

On the other side of things, I’ve also never been a spiritual person. Though that was easier for me to grasp. Religion and spirituality are similar in the sense that they have a higher power operating everything. I think spirituality was more my style because it was just something and not a man who is all knowing and punishes you for doing wrong. At least, that’s how I see it. Even so, I still struggle to believe that the universe is on my side and that everything will work out in my favor. I’m not sure why I don’t understand these things. It isn’t something I can prove or disprove, which is fine. I just wish I believed in something. Whether it's God or the universe. Now, I’m not one of those people who think religion is bad and spirituality is bs. I think both are good for those who believe in them. I am in a weird gray area of neither religious nor spiritual, but kind of both but not really? I know, I sound crazy. I guess I just want something to guide me. I want to know where I go when I die, or if my life will mean something, or if I have a higher purpose. I need something bigger than myself. Problem is, I can’t fake what I don’t truly believe in. Sure, I can read excerpts from the bible or meditate and listen to positive affirmations, but I will never truly trust something that I can’t see.

To add some perspective, I think a lot of people start with religion, grow to hate it, decide to rebel, and then they land on spirituality. Obviously, I have no idea if that’s true because I am speaking from what I’ve seen and my own interpretations. It’s impossible for me to speak for everyone and that is not my goal. But that’s generally what I see. I haven’t had that experience because I was never religious or spiritual even though I grew up around both. Maybe I think I need something bigger than myself just because everyone else seems to have it. Maybe I’m actually content and I just can’t come to terms with it? The weird thing is, I keep saying that I am neither, but maybe I’m both. Is that possible? I believe somewhat in aspects of both religion and spirituality. I think the confusing or hard to believe part is the higher power. The whole “something larger than oneself” thing.